I am Alice! You're just a girl; you tend to get frustrated easily, you daydream quite a bit, and you try to avoid making trouble, though curiosity always gets the better of you. Even under tight circumstances, however, you put aside (some of) your fear and figure out what's the best thing to do. You want a better understanding of your world.

I cannot tell you what is that guides us in this life; but for me, I fell toward the Chairman just as a stone must fall towards the earth. When I cut my lips and met Mr. Tanaka, when my mother died and I was cruelly sold, it was all like a stream that falls over rocky cliffs before it can reach the ocean. Even now that he is gone I have him still, in the richness of my memories. I've lived my life again just telling to you.

It's true that sometimes when I cross Park Avenue, I'm struck with the peculiar sense of how exotic my surroundings are. The yellow taxicabs that go sweeping past, honking their horns; the women with their briefcases, who looks so perplexed to see a little old Japanese lady standing on the street corner in kimono. But really, would Yoroido seem any less exotic if I went back there again? As a young girl, I believed my life would never have been a struggle if Mr. Tanaka hadn't torn me away from my tipsy house. But now I know that our world is no more permanent than a wave rising on the ocean. Whatever our struggles and triumphs, however we may suffer them, all too soon they bleed into a wash, just like watery ink on paper.

Read Memoirs of a Geisha by Arthur Golden. It is the most beautiful book I have ever read. It's the story of a geisha girl, Sayuri, and written in a style that is reminicesent of calligraphy. It's painted in delicate, tranquil strokes that play gentle music across the page. The tale of a girl's struggle to become a geisha is interwoven with the tender, almost shy love story. It is told from her perspective looking back, and we feel with her as she claws her way into security and longs desperately to be with the man that she loves. Her character is vibrant and passionate while her voice speaks of simplicity and harmony, presenting the ultimate paradox of a geisha.

I’m such a survey junkie. And a sucker for personality tests.

The Me Side
What time is it?: 9:57 p.m.
Name: Camie
Sex: Female
Birthdate: April 8, 1984
What do you look like: Auburn hair, dark brown eyes, glasses, a little stocky, slightly freckled
Are you shy or outgoing?:Mostly shy, except when I’m comfortable
Nicknames: Camille, Camita, Cames, Amy K, Camer
Color hair: Auburn
Siblings: 3
Height: 5’5”
Zodiac Sign: Aries
Nationality: Wannabe Brit
Age: 18
Current E-mail address/Screen name: charlotta_the_4th@yahoo.com
Current School: High school. Blah.
Previous School(s): Lots. I went to four different junior highs.
Hobbies: Writing, reading, acting, dancing, listening to music, going online, daydreaming, being with my friends
What time did you wake up today? Too bloody early


The Crush Side (oh goody.)
Do you have a crush on someone? Unless celeb crushes count, no
Initials of the person you like: N/A
How long have you liked him/her? N/A
Are you really over your last crush? Er. . . 98% over him. I don’t ever really get over crushes.
Do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend: Not at the moment.
Have you gone out or had a crush on someone and totally regret it now? Yes. . . it wasn’t the right thing to do for either of us.
Would you ever go out with the person that sent this to you? I take myself out to movies all the time.
What would you do if someone said they liked you?: It would depend who it was.
If you could go out with anyone in the world, who would it be? I don’t know. Probably Ewan McGregor or Colin Firth.
When you first meet a guy/girl, what do u notice?: How intelligent they look
How long do you want a relationship to last?: I would prefer that they last six to eight months at this point in my life.
Who was your first crush. Harrison Ford
How romantic are you from a scale of 1-10?: 11.
Loved someone so much it made you cry? Yes.
Eaten an entire box of Oreos? Nope.
Ever been on stage? Yes, lots of times.
Tried to get someone to notice you, but failed: That would be the story of my life.
Had a long distance relationship? Um. . . no. I came close to it twice, but it didn’t work out.
Gotten in a Car Accident? No.
Stayed home on a Saturday night just because? Er. . . going out on Saturday night is not a common experience. I’m very familiar with my room.
Seen the Eiffel tower? I dream about it.
Came close to death: Not that I’m aware of.
Been told that your Ex likes someone else: Yes, and it sucks. Especially if you were hoping to get back with them.
Hated yourself? I have.


Favorites
Toothpaste? Mint.
Color: Blue.
Color to wear: Dark green
Sport? I don’t do sports.
Number? 7
Flower?: Calla lilies
Book: Memoirs of a Geisha
Teacher?: My English teacher
Type of music: Broadway baby! Actually, I have a pretty ecletic taste.
Radio station: I don’t really have one.
Relative: My brother or sister, depending on the day.
TV show? Friends and I Dream of Jeannie, although I don’t watch much T.V.
Movie: Moulin Rouge! And Star Wars. And Pride and Prejudice, the A&E/BBC version. Ooh, and Bridget Jones.

This Or That
Coffee or cocoa? Cocoa
Rave or DEB? Er. . . I’m not sure what those are.
Jeans or cords? Jeans
Sweater or sweatshirt? Sweater.
Red or Pink? Depends on my mood. I like both.
Sam Goody or Coconuts? Neither
Rose or Lily? Lily.
Nsync or Backstreet Boys: They’ve both gotten kind of dumb. BSB, I guess.
TV or Radio? Radio
Dr. Pepper or Surge?: Dr. Pepper
Rue 21 or Forever 21? No clue what those even are.
History or science? History


Friends
Do you have a best friend? Yes, I have three. Teeka, Alise, and Despina.
Who do you e-mail the most? Er. . . I don’t know.
Dont you love getting emails late at night? I do.
Who is the most honest? Alise.
Who is the craziest? That would be Jeff.
Who is the sweetest? Despina/Amanda/Toshya
Who is the best at keeping secrets? Toshya
Most innocent looking: Audrey
Who is the follower? Moi.
Who is the leader? Depends on the day
Most annoying laugh: Haven’t given it much thought.
Most common name: Matt.
Who is the strongest: Bear
Coolest eyes: The Chelster
Most Gullable: Despina or me
Who is most faithful? Cannot pick.
Who is the biggest pervert? :snorts: No one.
Who is the shyest? . . . not sure. . .
Who is the loudest?: Jeff
Who is the "stalker": George
Who is the tallest?: Bear
Skinniest: Chels
Who has the coolest hair? Chels and Tosh. Me lovey red hair.
Who has the best/most clothes? Don’t know.
Who is the cutest (guy/girl)? They are all adorable.
Who is the funniest? Jeff.
Who do you go to for advice? A lot of people, but Alise is my guru
Who is really fun to be with? Each of ‘em
Who do you go to talk to about the opposite sex? Alise


Which T .V. SHOW
Describes or can related to your over-all life: I don’t believe there is one.
Describes or can be related to your love life: Anyone who doesn’t have one.
Do you wish you could live up to: Mmm. . .don’t think there is one. Not on TV.


Which SONG
Describes or can related to your over-all life: “Standing Outside the Fire” by Garth Brooks or “The Show Must Go On” from Moulin Rouge
Describes or can be related to your love life: “Unbreakable Heart”
“In my blue world. . .you shone like heaven’s fire
And left me crying in the dark
How could anyone be so hard
Did you think I had an unbreakable heart?”


In The Last 24 Hours Have You
Cried? Yes
Laughed?: Yep
Made someone laugh?: Yes
Helped someone?: Yes
Bought something? Nope.
Cut your hair?: No.
Felt stupid? Yes
Said i love you?: Yes, to my papa.
Written a real letter? No.
Written on paper? Yes, I wrote some of a poem and the background of a story.
Taken a test? No.
Met someone new? No.
Written in a journal?Yes.
Watched your favorite movie? I watched it yesterday, does that count?
Talked to someone you love? Yes.
Had a serious talk: Nope.
Given someone a present? No.
Missed someone? Um. . .yes, I suppose.
Hugged someone? Yes.
Fought with your parents? Sorta.
Fought with a friend? Nope.
Kissed your boyfriend/girlfriend? Boyfriend? What boyfriend?

Right Now
Are you tired? A bit.
What are you wearing: Boot-cut dark jeans and a dark green turtleneck.
Are you eating: No.
Are you happy: Sort of apathetic at the moment.
Are you sad: I have been some lately.
Are you lonely: I’m getting used to it.
Doing homework: It’s Spring Break!


Stupid Questions (so what else is new?)
Are you a brand name person? :snorts: No.
If you are, what brands do you ALWAYS buy? None.
If you're not, what styles do you like or what brandy styles do you like? I like feminine, old-fashioned clothes.
Thoughts on Britney Spears? She used to be cute . . .what happened?
When was your last visit to the doctor? A while ago.
Has anything happened to you, when it happened that you thought it was the worst thing in the world but then now you realize it was nothing: Ha. Yes. Guys are not worth the emotional energy I spend on them.
How are your grades so far: You know. . .I really don’t know.
What Languages do you speak? English, some Japanese
Who would really name their kid chiquita banana: Er. . .
Do you drink?: No.
Do you regret anything you've done in the past: Yes, yes.
Do you believe in horoscopes: No.
Do you wear glasses: Yes. Have since fifth grade.
Do you have braces?: Nope.
What color is your bedroom carpet: Blue.
What's the scariest thing that ever happened to you: Thinking my dad had cancer.
Where do you see yourself in 5 years? In college.
What do you do when you're bored? Go online.
What words or phrases do you over use? “All’s fair in love, war, and ____” “Nifty” “Spiffy” “Splendiferous” “Sorey”
Songs or quotes that simply wont get out of your head: Right now it’s Titanic.
Name the person that you are friends with that lives the farthest away: Celyn or Em, I’m not sure which.
Most annoying thing: Myself
Bedtime? Depends on the day
Are you a good dancer? I enjoy it.
Who's the best dancer? Teeka ballerina.
How many cavaties do you have? One
Do you consider yourself a good listener? Pretty good.
Last song you listened to: "Rose” from Titanic. Ooh, that’s so pretty. . .
Has a friend ever betrayed you? In a way.
Have you ever eaten a bug? Tragically, no.
Most memorable time this past year: Getting accepted to college
How many people are on your buddy list? 12
How many people are on right now? 0
Last four digits of your phone number: *CENSORED* ;-)
Do you get along with your parents: Dad, mostly, Mom, sometimes
What did you do today? Studied for AP History, slept, did dishes, wrote some
What did you do yesterday? School and slept over at Teeka's!
Who sent this lovely survey to you? No one
Name one nice thing about the person who sent this to you: I like the non-existant person
Why are u filling this out? Oh, I haven’t a clue
What time is it now? 10:28 p.m.
Final words: “You may tire of reality, but you will never tire of dreams.”

Do you know what makes me cry? Soft, sweeping violins and the piercing quality of bells. Warm rain falling from the pearly grey sky, dancing patterns of light across my skin. Fields of golden-grained wheat underneath a sky so blue that it makes my heart ache. Bittersweet longing and tragic endings in stories. The smell of talcum powder in a simple room. A dark-haired dancer dressed in a flowing gown of white. The mossy ground beneath the redwood giants in the Seqoia forests. They are too beautiful to be of this earth, and they touch some part of me that longs for more.

I wish it would rain. I hate the bland greyness of a sky that forever threatens to rain, but never has the courage to fufill the promise. It's so dreary and complacent right now, and spring is a time for change. It's frustrating and puts everyone's nerves on edge. The only thing that's keeping me from going off into a sulk at the vast unfairness of the world's state right now is that I spent last night at Teeka's house. I don't think I realized how much I missed her smile and voice. She's a fragile little thing with skin the color of darkened cedar and eyes so black that they flash her emotions with every subtle change. She has chronic fatigue syndrome, so I don't get to see her that often. . . she's my link to who I was. All my other friends have changed with me, but she has somehow kept the same elusive charm she possessed back in junior high.

We stayed up until four watching movies. . . Dr. T and the Women, which is possibly the most bizzare movie I have ever seen (and that's saying something), Where the Heart Is, and Moulin Rouge. I insisted on the last, and she complied (despite a slight reluctance) I've become a Moulin Rouge missionary, bound to convert the world to the wonder and magic of it. ;-) We both cried at the end as the rose petals fall and Satine dies. That is the most poignant image in the film. All the glamour and glitter of the stage, and the thundering applause echoes from the audience. . . and she is dying, choking on her own blood backstage. Anyone who's ever been on stage understands that image. The beautiful facade that we present to the audience is incredibly decietful. My face may be tear-stained before I step into the spotlight, but there's no wavering in my voice as I speak the first line. One night there was a possibility that my mother might have cancer, and I had to go be an eccentric, deliciously funny old lady on stage. I don't know why the show has to carry on, but it does. It's woven into our philosophy.

On a lighter note, I got a lovely compliment the other day (and well, I'm a teenager. My ego delights in such frivolities) This is what Cordelia posted in her blog:

Before I go, though, I have to point out a new link I've added to my reads: Heart of a Poet. I just happened upon this incredibly well-written blog yesterday (well, it was really late, so it was technically today *LOL*), and I was blown away by the talent for weaving words that this girl has. Plus, she's not just a poet, she's also a girl with witty observations and various allusions ("Hurrah! Have date to senior prom and am therefore not social pariah as feared." I'm with you on that one! *grin*). Definitely worth a visit.

It was an extraordinarily nice thing to find in my inbox. Almost as delightful as a box of chocolates, and nearly as filling (at least to the mind. . .)

Other random notes include: Cel-Cel, I added celynbarry@hotmail.com to my MSN messenger. I'm using the Red Room Diamonds address for mine, because I can't remember my hotmail. . . I like my name. "~The*Lady*Of*The*Camellias~" Don't you?

Teeka lent me most of her CD collection, ostenibly so I could burn her compilations, but really so I could copy all those that I want to have, but don't want to buy. CD burners are the nicest thing since. . . well, perhaps not sliced bread, but buttered stuff.

A bientot, darlings. Life is a cabaret, and I love a cabaret.

It seems really absurd to have snow falling on daffodils. Not just absurd. . . wrong. Whenever I see those dear pale yellow flowers, my soul just raises its head and smiles. There's nothing as lovely as daffodils in early spring. Those and the delicate little blossoms that fall so gracefully from the trees. When those are paired with a clean April sky, the world seems so fresh. Springtime is when the the world diregards her heavy winter wools and spritzes lemon cleaner over the land.


At any rate, I wrote the beginnings of a Bridget Jones's Diary fanfic. It's fairly easy to get a pseudo-Bridget voice for me. Otherwise I wouldn't have bothered. I hate writing in genres I can't do justice to. At least to some extent, anyway. Read Mr. Darcy, Mr. Darcy if you like.

Do you know what I really want? A high necked, lacy Victorian blouse in some shade of ivory. It's my newest heart's desire.

Just removed my rant against the world because it really wasn't important and I'm trying to focus on positive, beautiful things. Besides. . . my family (from my mum's side) is really prone to depression. I've been clinically depressed before and it's horrible. You don't know why you're even bothering to get up, and the world seems so grey and tired. You literally don't see anything bright in the future. And I have to keep myself from floating in self-indulging depression.

So I'm going to make a list of things in my room that make me happy.

~My Moulin Rouge cutouts from the CD book
~The flower fairy puppet that I got for Easter
~My puppet/stuffed animal collection
~A string of pearls
~My silver Victorian toiletries set
~My DVD's. Breakfast at Tiffany's, Pride and Prejudice, Bridget Jones's Diary, Moulin Rouge, When Harry Met Sally, Cats, Into the Woods, Anne of Green Gables, Center Stage. . .
~My magazine cutouts of flowers and faeries, postcards from around the world, dancers, and dolls.
~My Monet "The Artist's Garden at Vetheuil" poster
~My Monet/Impressionist books (I love art history!)
~All my pretty notebooks, stationary, and cards that lovely friends got for my birthday
~My laptop!
~My slippers lined with fluffy wool
~My TV/Stereo setup
~My phone
~My college admissions essay
~My absolutely beautiful prom dress. . .

I love my formal dresses. The one I'm wearing to prom is a dark green tafetta with a fitted bodice and basque waist. The bodice has a triangle of green brocade with roses, and there is a silky cording that laces up on silver buttons. It has a square neckline, just low enough to highlight my collarbone, and it's so beautiful. My mum made it, and it's fitted to me exactly. Diguises every figure flaw I have. And rest assured, I have plenty.

See? Life is, if not delightful, rather pleasant after all.

There's a moth fluttering against my window in a flurry of translucent wings, and it makes me think. Of the depths of ebony ink that spills out on the night sky, and how sweet the air smells on the springtime days. And what's to become of me.

Sometimes I wonder what I'm supposed to do. If we all have a reason for being here, what's mine? Someone once told me that a person who has as much talent as me was meant to do something very special. I think I'm supposed to be a messenger of beauty. I glory in my sugar spun tales of grassy hills and freshly ironed muslin dresses. My writing is sponge cake-- light, fluffy, and absolutely delightful on the tea-table. I'm not brilliant searchlight into the human soul.

Instead, I paint my candlelit portraits of a homey kitchen. Small, with a red tile floor and a big oven. Brass pots and old-fashioned portraits hang on the walls striped with green and white paper. A grey cat looks up at me with contented eyes, and I know there's a handwoven mat outside the door that proclaims I am welcome here.

As a Romantic, I'm a failure. My depictions are soft around the edges, blurring flaws until they are unnoticable by all but the most critical eye. I don't belong among the wild beauties on the world, the cold pine forest damp with mossy floors and desolate branches. No, my realm is the garden sweet with the fragrances of lilies. My stories should always end happily, because otherwise they rebel against my nature. I am the shy princess, you see. The enchanted girl who wraps her childlike hand around the roses without fearing the thorns.

At heart, I suppose I will always be the quiet, retiring one who prefers Tennyson and doughnuts to a night out on the town. I don't drink champagne, but sip away at herbal tea. I wear pearls, not diamonds. I'll never have the courage to wear a revealing outfit or have a one-night stand.

And yet some part of me still demands it. I go over this again and again, wondering which will win. Will I be the sparkling diamond or the wilting flower?

And will anyone ever love me for the girl I am, the girl I mean to be? I'm so tired of people trying to create me in the image they've dreamed up for me. I am not your demure, gentle girlfriend. Nor am I your easy fling. I've had guys treat me as both and I hate it. They don't understand. They think I want them to be some wonderful prince charming out of Jane Austen, and while as charming and lovely as that would be, I don't need that. I just want someone to share my life with.

But in a different way, they're right. I want to chat about poetry and how I feel, not how great that movie was. That's fine, but I need something more. I want to spend my life with someone who's my penniless poet, my other half. I don't need rescuing or riches, but I need love. Just pure companionship. Equal give, equal take. Filled with struggles and worries, but in the end, you're not afraid to face tomorrow because he'll be there. Because I need someone to take my hand and come with me through the door that leads to Tomorrow. It makes me think of a song from Jekyll and Hyde. . . Someone Like You.

I peer through windows, watch life go by
Dream of tomorrow, and wonder why
The past is holding me
Keeping life at bay
I wander lost in yesterday
Wanting to fly
But scared to try

But if someone like you
Found someone like me
Then suddenly, nothing would ever be the same
My heart would take wing
And I’d feel so alive
If someone like you
Found me

So many secrets I long to share
All I have needed is someone there
To help me see a world
I’ve never seen before
A love to open every door
To set me free
So I can soar

If someone like you
Found someone like me
Then suddenly, nothing would ever be the same!
There’d be a new way to live
A new life to love
If someone like you
Found me

Oh, if someone like you
Found someone like me
Then suddenly
Nothing would ever be the same
My heart would take wing
And I’d feel so alive
If someone like you
Loved me
Loved me
Loved me . . .